I am so glad you are here.
If this was your position in the family system...  I understand what that means:

You were forced with the most responsibility while also blamed and shamed the most. Yet, unlike the adults in the house, you couldn't leave.
OUCH
You are or were exploited by at least one parent (while the other parent either joined in or allowed it) as the whipping boy: the trash can for the family's projected symptoms: insecurities, worthlessness, shame, and fear. You are the primarily blamed one, the crutch to lean on, and a source of emotional "supply." Hint: This is because you're the strongest. Keep reading...

When parents engage in a pattern of this behavior, using their children to regulate their own emotional state, it is called: covert emotional incest. This is abuse. The child is the child, not: the parent, the therapist, the best friend, the spouse, the life to live through, or the protector. They are not the entertainment, the security, the blame bucket, a "patient" to nurse​, or an object to own.
THERE WON'T BE A SCAPEGOAT WITHOUT TOXIC PARENTING
A "healthy, secure" parent innocently married to a "monster" parent, standing by as their child(ren) are abused? No. Instead, it is typically a match: a complicit (codependent, covert, fragile, and/or checked-out) parent consciously married to an "overt" parent. The wolf-in-sheep's-clothing parent uses their child(ren) as self-protection as well as emotional supply.
Abusers can not continue without support/enabling, whether it is in family, politics, hollywood, cults, workplace, etc.

​*Enabling includes negligence
​Scapegoats are punished and ostracized, and it initially frightens the other siblings into submitting into their roles. After a while, unfortunately, the siblings are conditioned to think the scapegoat actually  is "bringing it on." This is when the home environment depicts a school environment of bullies.

*Unfortunately, siblings of the scapegoat will typically struggle with taking accountability on their journey into adulthood because they were conditioned to rely on the belief that it is always someone else's fault (the scapegoat). They tend to partner with folks who don't hold them accountable. This co-dependency is a mutual, unsaid agreement to enable one another.

The siblings may receive the same maltreatment as the scapegoat if they, "step out of line," or, their designated positions: enabling and enabled golden child or neglected invisible child.

What happens if there aren't enough children to fill the roles? One child will be forced into multiple roles.

What happens if there are more than three children to fill the roles? Every child will have some portion of a role, or combination of roles. Again, children are not seen as children in a narcissistic family system. They are seen as resources to the parent(s).
The roles are created purely by narcissistic parenting, and the everchanging, often unpredictable, needs of the parent(s). Therefore, all children will experience all positions; they just mostly live in one role. (They will all experience feelings of a deficit in truly being seen, accepted, and cared-for, whether the "invisible child" or not. This is due to emotional and psychological neglect.)

The scapegoat role is designed for whoever won't fall in line; they have boundaries and needs. This child is the least willing to play the toxic game. When a couple is "happily" co-dependently married, this means both parents are on the Cluster B Spectrum. This also means that each immature parent will have their own personal, "golden child." Each parent needs to feel like they have someone, "on their side." Again, each child will experience some form of every position, but only the tried and true scapegoat is seen in a continuously negative light.​
SIBLINGS DO NOT HAVE THE SAME CHILDHOOD.
Siblings can have completely different experiences leading to completely different feelings towards their parent(s).
THIS MAKES SENSE.
​
THIS IS VALID.
​
*even if the golden child says otherwise
SCAPEGOATS ARE STRONG-WILLED TRUTH TELLERS...  which isn't desirable in a system designed for control. If a different sibling stands up to the parent(s), they can easily be punished in the same harsh way the scapegoat is familiar with. Or, if the scapegoat enables the narcissistic parent, they may jump into being a golden child for a day, or month, or year. Roles change depending on the parents' needs, who they are able to control/manipulate, and who has grown into personifying their role (aka turning into the narcissistic parent).

In order to keep the children in these positions, the parent(s) engage in a tactic called, "triangulation." This is used to pit siblings against one another, intentionally creating insecurity, animosity, and jealousy. One tried and true way this is accomplished is by breaking confidence. 

Triangulation is manipulating one person into sending a message to, or, treating the targeted person, in a way that the manipulator desires. This creates friction between the two being triangulated, and often, those relationships are damaged. This whole dynamic is set up so that the abusive parent(s) feel a relief of DISCOMFORT. They prefer their children feel TRAUMATIZED instead.
" Have you heard that scapegoats are the healthiest...  "
The more covert parent projects intense feelings of disempowerment and fear of abandonment (worthlessness) at the scapegoat. The covert parent primarily struggles with knowing and setting personal boundaries. Therefore, this parent will punish the scapegoat for having or setting boundaries; it is a direct signal to this parent, reminding them of the betrayed parts of themselves. Instead of growing, healing, and empowering oneself to have boundaries and worth, this parent chooses the more comfortable route; punish or kill these parts in the scapegoat instead. This (codependent) parent uses the scapegoat as a fixing project, falling along the Munchausen By Proxy spectrum (now titled Fictitious Disorder Imposed On Another - FDIA).

The more overt parent projects intense feelings of disempowerment and fear of control (low self-esteem) at the scapegoat. The overt parent primarily struggles with knowing themselves and feeling good enough. Therefore, this parent will punish the scapegoat for knowing and liking themselves; it is a direct signal to this parent, reminding them of the hurt parts of themselves. Instead of growing, healing, and empowering oneself to have personal needs and safety, this parent chooses the more comfortable route; punish or kill these parts in the scapegoat instead.

Why would parents project? Lack of self-awareness and self-permission to pass down personal trauma. Passing down generational trauma is to become the abuser.

Why does the scapegoat get most of the projections? Because the scapegoat has empathy (emotional intelligence and emotional availability). Very simply put, this means three things:

1) They have their own emotional self (personality). And, this means that every emotion the scapegoat expresses will be invalidated, pathologized, neglected, and/or punished. Why? Folks on the Cluster B spectrum have very low emotional tolerance and high emotional fragility, dysregulation, and emptiness (it is masked in various ways). These parents are triggered by emotions (including happiness,  excitement, self-confidence, vulnerability, and authenticity).

*The more covert parent parasitically lives off of the scapegoat's emotions as a source of supply, creating a traumatizing double bind (punished if you do, punished if you don't) within the scapegoat.

2) Having empathy is to see life right side up. This accurate mirroring to toxic parents triggers them. What is triggered inside of them? Shame and Fear. (Repressed trauma)

3) Scapegoats don't "fit in" with a fear-based, dysfunctional system. When one is the common denominator (with self-awareness), it is easy to mistake this as being "the" problem. With some discernment, it is important to look at what one is trying to fit in with. It is not a sign of health to fit in with toxicity and/or abuse. It is a sign of health if abusers don't like you.
Have you heard that scapegoats are the healthiest member of a narcissistic family system? They are loving, attuned, and forgiving. They tend to be incredibly emotionally resilient, however, aren't able to see this through the fog.
*Emotionally resilient,​ emotionally numb, emotionally distracted, and emotionally cut-off are all vastly different concepts. One needs to feel and process their own emotions in order to be considered resilient. Resiliency is NOT the amount of bullshit one tolerates.
Those that often refer to themselves as "codependent" handle emotions with intellectualizing, analyzing, and rationalizing. This is 'being in your head,' vs 'in your body.'
The things that have been projected at you are their symptoms, not yours.
Picture this: You've been swimming life without knowing you have 10 pound bricks tied to your limbs (one for each scapegoating family member); of course you feel like you're drowning and haven't fully understood why. Once you see this, you'll realize that you are, and always have been, a strong swimmer (emotionally resilient). Since scapegoats are the best "swimmers" of the family, the family leans on the scapegoat for stability and a life source. This is why they are "devastated" if the adult scapegoat chooses not to visit (despite the contempt, stonewalling, and hate given to the scapegoat).

So although the family complains about the scapegoat, they need this person: The concept of 'emotional supply' is similar to an addiction: love, hate, and need...  simultaneously. 
You are not:


a DRUG

'SUPPLY'

FREE REHAB
YOU ARE A HUMAN.
​How does it work?
​
​What's up with this whole 'narcissistic family system' stuff?
First, there is no such thing as "narcissistic SYSTEM" when it comes to family of origin. There is no mutual, balanced relationship between parent and child (certainly not when the child is under 18). The parent is (supposed to be) in charge; the child either survives that parenting, or, if lucky, they thrive from that parenting.

A child setting boundaries with a narcissistic parent is far, far more difficult than an employee setting boundaries with a narcissistic boss; the employee might lose their job and suffer the multiple consequences of that, but a child depends on a parent for survival: food, water, shelter, clothing, education, love, connection, safety (and if they're lucky: creativity, fun, adventure, discovery, expansion). "Upsetting" a narcissistic parent means to lose one's livelihood, one's growth.

Abusers blame their victim by saying "they brought it on," and/or, "they didn't set any boundaries." This is a weaponized use of the term 'setting boundaries.'

Parents who physically abuse believe it is a two-way street, and wouldn't happen if the child(ren) didn't "make" them so upset. Parents who sexually abuse (molest), often delusionally believe it is a "special relationship." Not so surprisingly, parents who emotionally and psychologically abuse, also delusionally enmesh their abuse with their child(ren).
So, it is more appropriately called, "Narcissistic/Codependent Parenting" onto powerless children. Narcissistic folks (which includes true codependents) rarely take accountability; this is why they blame/enmesh their parental responsibilities with their child(ren).
Gaslighting, amongst other forms of abuse, is utilized to force children into their designated positions, including adult-children. The children growing into adults doesn't change much about the family dynamic because it never had to do with them in the first place. If the parents do not grow, change, and take accountability... the dynamics will remain the same. (The golden child(s) doesn't have a motive to change, especially after marrying someone enabling.)

Have you heard a toxic parent or two tell you, "stop living in the past!" This is a direct projection of the fact that they still live in THEIR past and do not want it reflected. (Gaslighting) Sadly, there is no intention on growing up.
A scapegoat "bringing up the past" is trying to repair to be able to move forward... It is a sign of self-respect and self-worth.
"I help people feel empowered to choose where, when, and how they want to show up in this family dynamic, focusing on the parts you CAN control."
A COVERT narcissistic parent is very effective at running a smear campaign against their own children. They do this through performative sympathy for their child while appearing like a failing saint / savior (martyr). What this parent is actually doing is creating a real 'Truman Show' movie out of their child's life; the child and nearly everyone around them is gaslit into viewing them in the way the abusive parent(s) require.

Folks on what's called the, 'Cluster B Spectrum,' view life, and sort life, into trivial, and delusional, hierarchies. However, because they lack self-awareness, it is difficult for them to see others for who they truly are. So, while they organize life into good/bad, right/wrong, win/lose, saint/sinner, strong/weak, resilient/sensitive... it is not only black & white thinking, it is also upside down thinking. Those who are deemed strong in the family system are emotionally fragile and those who are labeled as weak (or "sensitive") are the strongest.

*This is gaslighting via projection. Visualize someone with very low functioning taste buds (due to past damage) telling someone with intact taste buds they are sensitive simply because they can taste their food. This tends to be the favorite form of gaslighting for those who call themselves "codependent." Instead of holding, owning, and taking accountability for under-functioning and experiencing a lack of emotional availability and processing... It is easier for them to just describe their child as having "big emotions." Codependents wrap their shit in sugar. Meaning, their gaslighting is covert.
Toxic parents view their children as objects they own and have the right to treat in whatever way they desire.
Toxic, abusive parents isolate their child(ren) and want their child(ren) to feel isolated. Often, this type of parent is also the parent that is actively involved in the community. (Communal / Covert Narcissist) Their image is what matters to them more than anything. If the community is fooled by this, the child certainly shouldn't feel ashamed for being manipulated and fooled by their own parent. If an abusive parent just finished hitting, degrading, or manipulating their adult-child, and then that adult-child is told by the community how amazing this parent is, societal gaslighting is now added to the abuse. Receiving such contradictory feedback from a primary caregiver (and society) creates a phenomenon called, 'cognitive dissonance.'

Cognitive dissonance occurs in victims of emotional and psychological abuse. This happens because the abuser's personality is black & white and has disintegrated parts. When the victim receives such polarizing feedback from someone they love and that "loves" them, it creates a deep confusion. This means the person will have contradictory thoughts and behaviors: "I continue to be around the person I love (behavior) even though this person is harming me (cognition)."
It is clinically harmful enmeshing "love" with abuse; this conditions the children, who grow into adults, that love includes manipulation, secrecy, control, pathologizing, shame, betrayal, ostracizing, possessiveness, and other forms of abuse (i.e. sexual, physical, financial, etc.). These actions are based in fear, not love.
This is not your fault.​​
In addition to shaming, gaslighting, conducting a smear campaign, and other methods of abuse... there's another method used to keep all of the children trapped in this dysfunctional family dynamic. It is called, 'bread crumbing.' Manipulators know if they push it too far, they'll loose their supply (potentially all of them). So, they engage in good-feeling, performative gestures to pull them back in. This push-pull dynamic creates a trauma-bond.

A true trauma-bond is having a secure attachment to an abuser who provides a mix of abuse and breadcrumbs (push-pull). This mix of hurt + longing for more kindness creates a chemical addiction similar to gambling. This is because bonds are chemical. Love releases oxytocin and euphoric experiences release dopamine. A need for parents at whatever age and stage of life is not pathetic; it is biology. What is sad, and extremely difficult, is that some need to learn through therapy to go against biology purely for self-preservation. You should not have to choose between having self-worth, self-esteem, and authenticity... or having a family.
" When the loyal one leaves...  the family earned it. "
I will help you cut the bricks loose in the way that is best for you. While there are unfortunate commonalities in the deep pains of being scapegoated by a narcissistic family system, your story is truly unique and will be respected as such. I'm not here to rationalize away toxic or abusive behaviors, nor create problems where there are none. Going 'no-contact' is completely appropriate, incredibly difficult, and absolutely necessary in some cases. When the loyal one leaves, it stands for something, and the family earned it. In other cases, creative approaches and firmer (yet welcoming) boundaries might help. Either way, everyone needs family. This is really tough stuff.

Unfortunately, part of narcissism is enmeshment: 'You feel what I feel and I'll feel what you feel and we'll all be the same.' Therefore, whatever boundary or action is set with these types of parents isn't kept simply within those relationships. Instead, the flying monkeys will take it personally... as a personal attack on them and they will respond to the scapegoat as the abuser directs them to. So while painfully going no-contact with one or two abusive family members (out of self-preservation), the entire extended family could discard the scapegoat in retaliation. I'm telling you ... scapegoats have uncommon strength.

The scapegoat's journey is in learning that the person they are, and always have been, is strong, lovable, acceptable, and wanted. Until then, the scapegoat may befriend and partner with folks who do not value them, and instead, treat them in the way their family of origin does.

Examples of therapeutic processing:

Instead of pathologizing my clients by focusing on how to form some magical mythical boundary that narcissistic folks will respect, I will say things like, "How do you want to handle someone that doesn't respect boundaries?" 

Instead of pathologizing my clients by focusing on how to ask for help in a magical mythical way that will bring narcissistic folks to give help, I will say things like, "What does it feel like to be so clear on your needs, and have them rarely fulfilled? What might it be like to have people in your life that are reliable and dependable? How far do you think you could fly in life if you had consistent support?"

A true scapegoat does not need to work on setting boundaries, stating their needs, or asking for help. (These are the very things that got them abused in the first place.) They deserve support in understanding that these concepts are disrespected by those on the cluster b spectrum, not everyone.


**I am able to differentiate between 'setting boundaries' and 'parenting/over-functioning.' I will not encourage you to parent another adult.


​​WE ALL SEEK FAMILIARITY.

IT IS SUPPOSED TO REPRESENT SAFETY FROM DANGER.
​
FOR SOME, FAMILIARITY IS THE DANGER.


Moving forward entails accepting that your parent(s) (and others like them) are always going to think that you're the problem because they NEED to, to preserve the delusion. You don't need to convince anyone that you're sane and healthy (especially to those who AREN'T). 
​You were raised by a system of broken, projecting mirrors. It is time for you to be seen for who you really are. You will have a truth-teller sitting in front of you, reflecting back... the truth.
With Care,
Christine