I am so glad you are here.
If this was your position in the family system...  I understand what that means. OUCH.
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You are or were exploited by at least one parent (if not whole family) as the whipping boy: the trash can for the family's projected symptoms: insecurities, worthlessness, shame, and fear. You are the blamed one, the crutch to lean on, and a source of emotional "supply."

When parents engage in a pattern of this behavior, using their children to regulate their own emotional state, it is called covert emotional incest. This is abuse. The child is the child. They are not the parent, the therapist, the best friend, or the spouse. They are not the entertainment, the life to live through, the protector, the security, the trash can, or an object to own. A child is not meant to have a job before they are even born.
THERE WILL NEVER BE A SCAPEGOAT WITHOUT A NARCISSISTIC SYSTEM.
​Scapegoats are punished and ostracized, and it initially frightens the other siblings into submitting into their roles. After a while, unfortunately, the siblings are conditioned to think the scapegoat actually  is "bringing it on." This is when the home environment depicts a school environment of bullies.

*Unfortunately, the siblings will typically struggle with taking accountability on their journey into adulthood because they were conditioned to rely on the belief that it is always someone else's fault (the scapegoat). They tend to partner with folks who won't hold them accountable. This co-dependency is a mutual, unsaid agreement to enable one another.

The siblings may receive the same maltreatment as the scapegoat if they, "step out of line," or, their designated positions: golden child or invisible child.

What happens if there aren't enough children to fill the roles? One child will be forced into multiple roles.

What happens if there are more than three children to fill the roles? Every child will have some portion of a role, or combination of roles. Again, children are not seen as children in a narcissistic family system. They are seen as resources to the parent(s).
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The roles are created purely by narcissistic parenting, and the everchanging, often unpredictable, needs of the parent(s). Therefore, all children will experience all positions; they just mostly live in one role. (They will all experience feelings of a deficit in truly being seen, accepted, and cared-for, whether the "invisible child" or not. This is due to emotional and psychological neglect.)

The scapegoat role is designed for whoever won't fall in line; the child least willing to play the toxic game. When a couple is "happily" co-dependently married, this means both parents are on the Cluster B Spectrum. This also means that each immature parent will have their own personal, "golden child." Each parent needs to feel like they have someone, "on their side." Again, each child will experience some form of every position, but only the tried and true scapegoat is seen in a continuously negative light.​
SIBLINGS DO NOT HAVE THE SAME CHILDHOOD.
Siblings can have completely different experiences leading to completely different feelings towards their parent(s).

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THIS MAKES SENSE.

THIS IS NORMAL.
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THIS IS VALID.
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*even if the golden child says otherwise
SCAPEGOATS ARE STRONG-WILLED TRUTH TELLERS...  which isn't desirable in a system designed for control. If a different sibling stands up to the parent(s), they can easily be punished in the same harsh way the scapegoat is familiar with. Or, if the scapegoat enables the narcissistic parent, they may jump into being a golden child for a day, or month, or year. Roles change depending on the parents' needs, who they are able to control/manipulate, and who has grown into personifying their role (aka turning into the narcissistic parent).

In order to keep the children in these positions, the parent(s) engage in a tactic called, "triangulation." This is used to pit siblings against one another, intentionally creating insecurity, animosity, and jealousy.

Triangulation is manipulating one person into sending a message to, or, treating the targeted person, in a way that the manipulator desires. This creates friction between the two being triangulated, and often, those relationships are damaged. This whole dynamic is set up so that the abusive parent(s) feel a relief of DISCOMFORT. They prefer their children feel PAIN, ABUSE, NEGLECT, and TRAUMA instead.
" Have you heard that scapegoats are the healthiest...  "
The more covert parent projects their intense feelings of fear and disempowerment (worthlessness) at the scapegoat. The covert parent primarily struggles with knowing and setting personal boundaries. Therefore, this parent will punish the scapegoat for having or setting boundaries; it is a direct signal to this parent, reminding them of the neglected parts of themselves. Instead of growing and healing and empowering oneself to have needs and worth, this parent chooses the more comfortable route for them; punish or kill these parts in the scapegoat instead.

The more overt parent projects their intense feelings of insecurity and disempowerment (low self-esteem) at the scapegoat. The overt parent primarily struggles with knowing themselves and feeling good enough. Therefore, this parent will punish the scapegoat for knowing and liking themselves; it is a direct signal to this parent, reminding them of the hurt parts of themselves. Instead of growing and healing and empowering oneself to feel accepted, joyful, and at peace, this parent chooses the more comfortable route for them; punish or kill these parts in the scapegoat instead.

Why would parents project? Because they lack self-awareness and give themselves permission to pass down their own trauma. Passing down generational trauma is to become the abuser.

Why does the scapegoat get most of the projections? Because the scapegoat has empathy. This means they have their own emotional self. And, this means that every emotion the scapegoat expresses will be invalidated, pathologized, neglected, abandoned, and/or punished. Folks on the Cluster B spectrum have very low emotional tolerance and high emotional fragility, dysregulation, and emptiness (it is masked in various ways). Therefore, these types of parents significantly abuse the scapegoat for having emotions. There is a bright, beautiful light within the scapegoat; folks on the Cluster B Spectrum are aware of this, aware they personally lack it, and are deeply envious of it. This envy brings hate; this hate is used (in many forms) to smother and destroy the scapegoat's inner light. The worst part is that the covert parent also NEEDS the personality of this child for their own emotional supply.

Have you heard that scapegoats are the healthiest member of a narcissistic family system? Scapegoats are the child that maintained empathy in the chaos. They are loving, attuned, and forgiving. They tend to be incredibly emotionally resilient, however, aren't able to see this through the fog.
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**Emotionally resilient, emotionally numb, emotionally distracted, and emotionally cut-off are all vastly different concepts. One needs to feel and process their own emotions in order to be considered resilient. Resiliency is NOT the amount of bullshit one tolerates.
The things that have been projected at you are their symptoms, not yours.
Picture this: You've been swimming life without knowing you have 10 pound bricks tied to your limbs (one for each scapegoating family member); of course you feel like you're drowning and haven't fully understood why. Once you see this, you'll realize that you are, and always have been, a strong swimmer (emotionally resilient). Since scapegoats are the best "swimmers" of the family, the family leans on the scapegoat for stability and a life source. This is why they are "devastated" when the adult scapegoat chooses not to visit. Although the family complains about the scapegoat; they need the scapegoat. The concept of 'emotional supply' is similar to a drug addiction: love, hate, and need...  simultaneously. 
YOU are not a drug.

You are not SUPPLY.
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YOU are a human.
​How does it work?
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​What's up with this whole 'narcissistic family system' stuff?
Gaslighting, amongst other forms of abuse, is utilized to force children into their designated positions, including adult-children. The children growing into adults doesn't change much about the family system because it never had to do with them in the first place. If the parents do not grow, change, and take accountability... the dynamics will remain the same. You might have heard a toxic parent or two tell you, "stop living in the past!" This is a direct projection of the fact that they still live in their past and do not want it pointed out. They do not intend on growing up. 
"I help people feel empowered to choose where, when, and how they want to show up in this family dynamic, focusing on the parts you CAN control."
A COVERT narcissistic parent is very effective at running a smear campaign against their own children. They do this through performative sympathy for their child while appearing like a failing saint / savior (martyr). What this parent is actually doing is creating a real 'Truman Show' movie out of their child's life; the child and nearly everyone around them is gaslit into viewing them in the way the abusive parent(s) require.

Folks on what's called the, 'Cluster B Spectrum,' view life, and sort life, into trivial, and delusional, hierarchies. However, because they lack self-awareness, it is difficult for them to see others for who they truly are. So, while they organize life into good/bad, right/wrong, win/lose, saint/sinner, strong/weak, resilient/sensitive... it is not only black & white thinking, it is also upside down thinking. Those who are deemed strong in the family system are emotionally fragile and those who are labeled as weak are the strongest.
Toxic parents view their children as objects they own and have the right to treat in whatever way they desire.
Toxic, abusive parents isolate their child(ren) and want their child(ren) to feel isolated. Often, this type of parent is also the parent that is actively involved in the community. (Communal / Covert Narcissist) Their image is what matters to them more than anything. If the community is fooled by this, the child certainly shouldn't feel ashamed for being manipulated and fooled by their own parent. If an abusive parent just finished hitting, degrading, or manipulating their adult-child, and then that adult-child is told by the community how amazing this parent is, societal gaslighting is now added to the abuse. Receiving such contradictory feedback from a primary caregiver (and society) creates a phenomenon called, 'cognitive dissonance.'

Cognitive dissonance occurs in victims of emotional and psychological abuse. This happens because the abuser's personality is black & white and has disintegrated parts. When the victim receives such polarizing feedback from someone they love and that "loves" them, it creates a deep confusion. This means the person will have contradictory thoughts and behaviors: "I continue to be around the person I love (behavior) even though this person is harming me (cognition)."


*Parent(s) are supposed to teach their children self-worth... to NOT tolerate toxicity or abuse from others. It is clinically harmful enmeshing "love" with abuse; this conditions the children, who grow into adults, that love includes manipulation, secrecy, control, pathologizing, shame, ostracizing, possessiveness, and other forms of abuse (i.e. sexual, physical, financial, etc.). These actions are based in fear, not love.
This is not your fault.​​
In addition to shaming, gaslighting, conducting a smear campaign, and other methods of abuse... there's another method used to keep all of the children trapped in this dysfunctional family dynamic. It is called, 'bread crumbing.' Manipulators know if they push it too far, they'll loose their supply (potentially all of them). So, they engage in good-feeling, performative gestures to pull them back in. This push-pull dynamic creates a trauma-bond.

A trauma-bond is having a secure attachment to an abuser who provides a mix of abuse and breadcrumbs (push-pull). This mix of hurt + longing for more kindness creates a chemical addiction similar to gambling. This is because bonds are chemical. Love releases oxytocin and euphoric experiences release dopamine. A need for parents at whatever age and stage of life is not pathetic; it is biology. What is sad, and extremely difficult, is that some need to learn through therapy to go against biology purely for self-preservation. You should not have to choose between having self-worth and having a family.
" When the loyal one leaves...  the family earned it. "
I will help you cut the bricks loose in the way that is best for you. While there are unfortunate commonalities in the deep pains of being scapegoated by a narcissistic family system, your story is truly unique and will be respected as such. I'm not here to rationalize away toxic or abusive behaviors, nor create problems where there are none. Going 'no-contact' is completely appropriate, incredibly difficult, and absolutely necessary in some cases. When the loyal one leaves, it stands for something, and the family earned it. In other cases, creative approaches and firmer (yet welcoming) boundaries might help. Either way, everyone needs family. This is really tough stuff.

The scapegoat's journey is in learning that the person they are, and always have been, is strong, lovable, acceptable, and wanted. Until then, the scapegoat may befriend and partner with folks who do not value them, and instead, treat them in the way their family of origin does.


​​WE ALL SEEK FAMILIARITY.

IT IS SUPPOSED TO REPRESENT SAFETY FROM DANGER.
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FOR SOME, FAMILIARITY IS THE DANGER.


I will help you respect your boundaries even if others don't. We may be on a journey into finding out what your boundaries (and needs) even are.


Let's just start with talking. This is an incredibly difficult position, but I can help.


​You were raised by a system of broken mirrors. It is time for you to be seen for who you really are. You will have a truth-teller sitting in front of you, reflecting back... the truth.
With Care,
Christine