I am glad you are here.
It certainly doesn't feel like a partnership, does it?
Together, we will process the dynamics of what is really happening. For now, here's some information...
Together, we will process the dynamics of what is really happening. For now, here's some information...
ABUSE is about POWER and CONTROL
emotionally, physically, sexually, financially, legally, psychologically
Before diving in, let's begin with addressing typically asked questions:
1) DO THEY KNOW what they are doing?
Unless they are sleepwalking... yes, they know what they are doing.
If one throws something at you, they do not believe a ghost did it. If one belittles you, they do not believe you had an auditory hallucination. Even if they do say you were "hearing things" and being "sensitive." (See more on gaslighting below.)
One can certainly deny reality, but it doesn't mean one isn't aware of reality. The awareness these particular type of folks lack is self-awareness. This isn't lack of awareness of what happened, but why it happened.
A symptom of the Cluster B spectrum is experiencing clinical delusions of self. One that you might have heard of is, 'delusions of grandeur.' This is narcissistic grandiosity. These delusions are more commonly referred to as, 'masks' (see more below).
Another typical delusion is: "I am right, you are wrong, and whatever happened was someone else's fault." This rationalization preserves the mask and relieves emotional discomfort. Some firmly and completely believe their mask is true, and some know deep down that they have a true self hiding inside.
2) DO THEY CARE?
Overall, no.
There is a spectrum involved, so let's take a look...
In some cases, the abusive person is more child-like, wanting their desires fulfilled (immediately) and wanting to avoid getting into "trouble." Like a child who breaks a lamp doing something against the house rules, they do what is needed to avoid accountability. The child isn't intentionally wanting to hurt mommy's feelings by breaking the rules, but they also don't care if it does. The kiddo doesn't care if lying fools mom; they hope it tricks mom. The child's focus is on doing what they want to do and getting away with it. When mom holds the child accountable, mom becomes the "bad guy." This is all appropriate for a child as they learn through moments like this and grow into being a mature adult.
When an ADULT intentionally "tricks" their partner with lies, it is gaslighting. Lacking care about others' feelings in adulthood represents lack of empathy. Avoiding accountability in adulthood creates an insecure, resentful relationship style. Blaming someone else for one's actions is immature and toxic. Doing whatever one wants to do, when one wants to do it, is self-righteous entitlement. Looking at your partner holding you accountable as the, "bad guy," is black & white thinking. In adulthood, it is an anti-social trait to have no regard for rules. These folks certainly view themselves as a (charming) child, but they are an adult, making these behaviors harmful, not cute.
As we move down the spectrum, you'll begin to see intentional harm. These types aren't purely trying to save themselves from their own emotional fragility; they intend to hurt their partner for darker, sadistic pleasures. These folks live in looming misery; seeing this misery projected into someone else provides a brief relief. You might have noticed a smirk come across their face as they delight in someone else's pain. This is referred to as the narc smirk, duper's delight, or joker's smile. These types set up situations to create harm and double-binds. While the child-like types mostly gaslight to get what they want and avoid accountability; the more sadistic types gaslight out of malice.
*A double-bind is being forced between a rock and a hard place if both the rock and hard place will cause harm, not merely disappointment. This type of abuser enjoys watching their partner being forced to choose their own harm.
The child-like type urgently wants to get away from their own pain (uncaring if you're in the crossfire) and aim to feel in control of themselves again (even if this includes controlling you). The sadistic type urgently wants to create pain in you and aim to feel in control of you (even if this means losing control of themselves; they will seek vengeance at self-sacrifice). The sadistic type views their partner as an object they own and have the right to exploit and harm at whim.
*Feeling dysregulated is NOT abuse; all humans feel dysregulated at different times, for different reasons, throughout life. It is human. It is what one does during this dysregulation that it can become abusive. Co-regulation is healthy; it is a hug, emotional processing, healthy space, words of authentic support, etc. Projection is not healthy; it is throwing ones own dysregulation at another to feel, experience, and deal with. Projection is a form of emotional abuse.
3) WHY DO THEY do it?
Well, I'm about to answer honestly so hang on to your sympathy! They do it because they are living (i.e. "dwelling") in their past. And, their past likely includes significant childhood trauma. If one is living in past trauma, one is in desperation mode (even if they seem "put together"). When in deep pain, humans do what is needed to survive. (Delusions are created out of self-preservation.) This survival mode creates an entitlement to pleasure, an avoidance to discomfort, and self-permission to punish/blame others. Whatever means necessary are used to avoid deep-rooted feelings of shame, fear, confusion, insecurity, powerlessness, inadequacy, inferiority, emptiness, and/or loneliness.
*Things stay the same when there is no need to change. There is an abundance of enabling surrounding these folks, limiting their growth.
4) WHAT IF THEY can't help it?
Most ask this question because their empathy and sympathy are being tugged at. I get it. Aren't we supposed to have compassion for those struggling with mental health? Well... yes.
However, I can also have compassion for a rattlesnake baking in the hot Texas sun, but I'm not going to kiss it.
When you put your current wellbeing second to someone else's past trauma, it is a form of enabling. Empathy is only empathy when the other is owning themselves (actions, behaviors, emotions); or, it is not empathy, it is sympathy. Sympathizing with someone offending flips the script and is doing "free emotional legwork." This enables the offender and minimizes/invalidates the victim.
1) DO THEY KNOW what they are doing?
Unless they are sleepwalking... yes, they know what they are doing.
If one throws something at you, they do not believe a ghost did it. If one belittles you, they do not believe you had an auditory hallucination. Even if they do say you were "hearing things" and being "sensitive." (See more on gaslighting below.)
One can certainly deny reality, but it doesn't mean one isn't aware of reality. The awareness these particular type of folks lack is self-awareness. This isn't lack of awareness of what happened, but why it happened.
A symptom of the Cluster B spectrum is experiencing clinical delusions of self. One that you might have heard of is, 'delusions of grandeur.' This is narcissistic grandiosity. These delusions are more commonly referred to as, 'masks' (see more below).
Another typical delusion is: "I am right, you are wrong, and whatever happened was someone else's fault." This rationalization preserves the mask and relieves emotional discomfort. Some firmly and completely believe their mask is true, and some know deep down that they have a true self hiding inside.
2) DO THEY CARE?
Overall, no.
There is a spectrum involved, so let's take a look...
In some cases, the abusive person is more child-like, wanting their desires fulfilled (immediately) and wanting to avoid getting into "trouble." Like a child who breaks a lamp doing something against the house rules, they do what is needed to avoid accountability. The child isn't intentionally wanting to hurt mommy's feelings by breaking the rules, but they also don't care if it does. The kiddo doesn't care if lying fools mom; they hope it tricks mom. The child's focus is on doing what they want to do and getting away with it. When mom holds the child accountable, mom becomes the "bad guy." This is all appropriate for a child as they learn through moments like this and grow into being a mature adult.
When an ADULT intentionally "tricks" their partner with lies, it is gaslighting. Lacking care about others' feelings in adulthood represents lack of empathy. Avoiding accountability in adulthood creates an insecure, resentful relationship style. Blaming someone else for one's actions is immature and toxic. Doing whatever one wants to do, when one wants to do it, is self-righteous entitlement. Looking at your partner holding you accountable as the, "bad guy," is black & white thinking. In adulthood, it is an anti-social trait to have no regard for rules. These folks certainly view themselves as a (charming) child, but they are an adult, making these behaviors harmful, not cute.
As we move down the spectrum, you'll begin to see intentional harm. These types aren't purely trying to save themselves from their own emotional fragility; they intend to hurt their partner for darker, sadistic pleasures. These folks live in looming misery; seeing this misery projected into someone else provides a brief relief. You might have noticed a smirk come across their face as they delight in someone else's pain. This is referred to as the narc smirk, duper's delight, or joker's smile. These types set up situations to create harm and double-binds. While the child-like types mostly gaslight to get what they want and avoid accountability; the more sadistic types gaslight out of malice.
*A double-bind is being forced between a rock and a hard place if both the rock and hard place will cause harm, not merely disappointment. This type of abuser enjoys watching their partner being forced to choose their own harm.
The child-like type urgently wants to get away from their own pain (uncaring if you're in the crossfire) and aim to feel in control of themselves again (even if this includes controlling you). The sadistic type urgently wants to create pain in you and aim to feel in control of you (even if this means losing control of themselves; they will seek vengeance at self-sacrifice). The sadistic type views their partner as an object they own and have the right to exploit and harm at whim.
*Feeling dysregulated is NOT abuse; all humans feel dysregulated at different times, for different reasons, throughout life. It is human. It is what one does during this dysregulation that it can become abusive. Co-regulation is healthy; it is a hug, emotional processing, healthy space, words of authentic support, etc. Projection is not healthy; it is throwing ones own dysregulation at another to feel, experience, and deal with. Projection is a form of emotional abuse.
3) WHY DO THEY do it?
Well, I'm about to answer honestly so hang on to your sympathy! They do it because they are living (i.e. "dwelling") in their past. And, their past likely includes significant childhood trauma. If one is living in past trauma, one is in desperation mode (even if they seem "put together"). When in deep pain, humans do what is needed to survive. (Delusions are created out of self-preservation.) This survival mode creates an entitlement to pleasure, an avoidance to discomfort, and self-permission to punish/blame others. Whatever means necessary are used to avoid deep-rooted feelings of shame, fear, confusion, insecurity, powerlessness, inadequacy, inferiority, emptiness, and/or loneliness.
*Things stay the same when there is no need to change. There is an abundance of enabling surrounding these folks, limiting their growth.
4) WHAT IF THEY can't help it?
Most ask this question because their empathy and sympathy are being tugged at. I get it. Aren't we supposed to have compassion for those struggling with mental health? Well... yes.
However, I can also have compassion for a rattlesnake baking in the hot Texas sun, but I'm not going to kiss it.
When you put your current wellbeing second to someone else's past trauma, it is a form of enabling. Empathy is only empathy when the other is owning themselves (actions, behaviors, emotions); or, it is not empathy, it is sympathy. Sympathizing with someone offending flips the script and is doing "free emotional legwork." This enables the offender and minimizes/invalidates the victim.
SAME QUESTIONS, BUT FOCUS ON YOU:
What IF they can't help it?
What IF they don't stop?
What does that mean for YOU?
What IF they can't help it?
What IF they don't stop?
What does that mean for YOU?
5) WHY ARE SOME behaviors only for behind closed doors?
Because they can help it.
6) ARE THERE ADULTS in this world who are in control of themselves?
Yes.
7) WHAT IS THE difference between abuse and attachment trauma?
First, the more you get to know and love yourself, the more discernment you will have between abuse and hurt feelings. You'll also determine what levels of hurt feelings you're willing to tolerate whether it is abuse or not. Make YOU a priority. I can help with this.
Second, when an adult makes mistakes (even BIG mistakes, not abuse), there is acknowledgement (no gaslighting), compassion (empathy for you), accountability (ownership represents maturity), remorse (congruent to mistake), and there is self-regulation (which gives you time and space to work towards forgiving the mistake). This person wants to address things even if it will be uncomfortable, tense, or awkward. These folks are not immune to feelings of disappointment, embarrassment, shame, or frustration, they just hold their own feelings. A mature adult would not go to the person whom they've just hurt to project their dysregulated feelings at, as this would be inherently selfish (and childish).
Safe adults work towards earning trust back for the betterment of the relationship; harmful adults force/expect immediate forgiveness for their own personal emotional relief.
*Manipulators are becoming skilled at performative accountability and empathy (due to reading posts like this or similar content online). Revert back to the first point.
First, the more you get to know and love yourself, the more discernment you will have between abuse and hurt feelings. You'll also determine what levels of hurt feelings you're willing to tolerate whether it is abuse or not. Make YOU a priority. I can help with this.
Second, when an adult makes mistakes (even BIG mistakes, not abuse), there is acknowledgement (no gaslighting), compassion (empathy for you), accountability (ownership represents maturity), remorse (congruent to mistake), and there is self-regulation (which gives you time and space to work towards forgiving the mistake). This person wants to address things even if it will be uncomfortable, tense, or awkward. These folks are not immune to feelings of disappointment, embarrassment, shame, or frustration, they just hold their own feelings. A mature adult would not go to the person whom they've just hurt to project their dysregulated feelings at, as this would be inherently selfish (and childish).
Safe adults work towards earning trust back for the betterment of the relationship; harmful adults force/expect immediate forgiveness for their own personal emotional relief.
*Manipulators are becoming skilled at performative accountability and empathy (due to reading posts like this or similar content online). Revert back to the first point.
Ok. Let's dive in...
Abuse can be overt in dominance, rage, and grandiosity, or it can be covert in passive-aggression, stonewalling, and 'pity ploys.' Often, it is both.
Dominance is about intimidation, rigidity, taking up all of the space, and having very little regard for other's rights, autonomy, or emotions. Rage is an explosive, uncontrolled anger that is projected out of a person feeling dysregulated. It is meant to regain control and dominance through projecting fear and shame.
Passive-aggression is a silent, passive rage that is also projected out of a person feeling dysregulated. It is meant to regain control through projecting guilt and shame. Passive-aggression is used to gain dominance from the victim position. (To maintain the "nice person" image.)
Stonewalling (silent treatment) is an example of passive-aggression. One is physically present, but otherwise completely absent. This is done to avoid the topic at hand and punish the person who "offended" the stonewaller so that the stonewaller doesn't have to feel, hold, own, or process hurt feelings (hindering self-awareness and growth). The recipient suddenly feels invisible and ashamed without a clear indication of what happened. This is more than immature; it is intentional emotional manipulation (control), conditioning the recipient to become hypervigilant. Instead of developing emotional strength, manipulators prefer their partner walk on eggshells around their triggers. Research indicates stonewalling is a dehumanizing act and is also named as one of the 'four horsemen,' (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling) based on John Gottman's Ph.D. research, predicting divorce with 91% accuracy. This devaluation is a projection of deep-rooted feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy, and/or shame within the stonewaller. While the stonewaller is thinking they're punishing the recipient, what they're really demonstrating is that they can't handle conflict.
Abuse can be overt in dominance, rage, and grandiosity, or it can be covert in passive-aggression, stonewalling, and 'pity ploys.' Often, it is both.
Dominance is about intimidation, rigidity, taking up all of the space, and having very little regard for other's rights, autonomy, or emotions. Rage is an explosive, uncontrolled anger that is projected out of a person feeling dysregulated. It is meant to regain control and dominance through projecting fear and shame.
Passive-aggression is a silent, passive rage that is also projected out of a person feeling dysregulated. It is meant to regain control through projecting guilt and shame. Passive-aggression is used to gain dominance from the victim position. (To maintain the "nice person" image.)
Stonewalling (silent treatment) is an example of passive-aggression. One is physically present, but otherwise completely absent. This is done to avoid the topic at hand and punish the person who "offended" the stonewaller so that the stonewaller doesn't have to feel, hold, own, or process hurt feelings (hindering self-awareness and growth). The recipient suddenly feels invisible and ashamed without a clear indication of what happened. This is more than immature; it is intentional emotional manipulation (control), conditioning the recipient to become hypervigilant. Instead of developing emotional strength, manipulators prefer their partner walk on eggshells around their triggers. Research indicates stonewalling is a dehumanizing act and is also named as one of the 'four horsemen,' (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling) based on John Gottman's Ph.D. research, predicting divorce with 91% accuracy. This devaluation is a projection of deep-rooted feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy, and/or shame within the stonewaller. While the stonewaller is thinking they're punishing the recipient, what they're really demonstrating is that they can't handle conflict.
*Stonewalling and dissociating are different. One is acting like a victim, the other is the result of being victimized.
STONEWALLING IS BASED IN DISEMPOWERMENT and ends dialogue, often leading to the end of the partnership. When one person is checked out, there is no PARTNERSHIP happening. (If one is over-functioning to make up for the checked-out partner, it is codependency.) Whereas taking space to regulate and reset before coming back together to work it out is based in maturity and empowerment. This continues dialogue, leading to compromise, security, and a strengthened bond. This is a true partnership.
*Picture your favorite sports team. Imagine a player felt emotionally triggered so they stopped playing. The player sits down, won't look at anyone nor talk to anyone, and finds a random distraction to "happily" focus on. Imagine a baseball player sitting by first base playing with a butterfly; a football player wrestling with a fan's dog; a basketball player doing a TikTok dance in the middle of the court; a volleyball player pretending to take a nap at their serve. If a player stops playing and ignores their teammates, they would lose the game. (And frustrate their teammates.) Now imagine the triggered player called for a timeout, asked the team for help, worked through it, and stayed in the game; the team would become stronger, more cohesive, and ... they would win. This is what a true "power couple" is. There are still conflicts, disagreements, aches and pains, they just remain a team and grow together. Often, others can feel the strength in couples like this.
*Picture your favorite sports team. Imagine a player felt emotionally triggered so they stopped playing. The player sits down, won't look at anyone nor talk to anyone, and finds a random distraction to "happily" focus on. Imagine a baseball player sitting by first base playing with a butterfly; a football player wrestling with a fan's dog; a basketball player doing a TikTok dance in the middle of the court; a volleyball player pretending to take a nap at their serve. If a player stops playing and ignores their teammates, they would lose the game. (And frustrate their teammates.) Now imagine the triggered player called for a timeout, asked the team for help, worked through it, and stayed in the game; the team would become stronger, more cohesive, and ... they would win. This is what a true "power couple" is. There are still conflicts, disagreements, aches and pains, they just remain a team and grow together. Often, others can feel the strength in couples like this.
A 'pity ploy,' is when the abuser ACTS LIKE THE VICTIM to manipulate for sympathy. Manipulators also use pity ploys to those outside the relationship as an aid to the smear campaign they're creating. They might go as far as crying crocodile tears to gain this pity.
"… the charismatic fixer is actually the predator."
A smear campaign is when a toxic person intentionally slanders their target's reputation, personality, and identity, with lies, exaggerations, and triangulation. They aim to destroy the character of the person they chose to date. The more harmful the triangulator is, the more insidious the smear campaign will be. Seemingly small statements or nonverbal expressions are left hanging in the air for folks to make their own assumptions about. As socially wired creatures, we read more from non-verbal communication than verbal, making this an incredibly effective tactic. Unfortunately, those who want to believe the smearing, will.
BIRDS OF A FEATHER, FLOCK TOGETHER
Triangulation is a manipulation tactic used to pass along messages to the intended recipient through another person. This creates a "ganged up on" feeling in the victim, it adds to the confusion, it creates isolation, and it puts a wedge between the two being triangulated. Sadly, those being triangulated often never find out and their relationship is damaged. Triangulation is a sign of emotional fragility and intolerance, immaturity, avoidance and control issues, and potentially sadism within the triangulator.
Once a person feels crazy enough, isolated enough, trapped enough... a phenomenon called, 'reactive abuse,' occurs. (The field of psychology is actively working on dropping 'abuse' from this term.) This is not abuse. This is the victim having a congruent reaction to the abuse they are receiving. However, it does not look congruent to outsiders. The abuser intentionally sets up interactions to trigger, passively-abuse, gaslight, and publicly shame their partner to create this very reaction. This reactivity is then used against the victim in the form of shaming, blaming, and reinforcing smear campaigns. The victim's sense of losing oneself builds.
Both overt and covert abusers are anywhere from triggered to annoyed to disgusted with crying. It is a projection of their significant detachment from their own vulnerability. Without vulnerability, it's difficult to connect past dopamine. This is a factor in these folks having dopamine-seeking tendencies.
GASLIGHTING IS ABUSE and it is meant to make someone feel crazy, confused, and ashamed. (Remember, those that refer to themselves as 'codependent' often wrap their gaslighting in sugar.) Here are common phrases used to break a victim down:
Once a person feels crazy enough, isolated enough, trapped enough... a phenomenon called, 'reactive abuse,' occurs. (The field of psychology is actively working on dropping 'abuse' from this term.) This is not abuse. This is the victim having a congruent reaction to the abuse they are receiving. However, it does not look congruent to outsiders. The abuser intentionally sets up interactions to trigger, passively-abuse, gaslight, and publicly shame their partner to create this very reaction. This reactivity is then used against the victim in the form of shaming, blaming, and reinforcing smear campaigns. The victim's sense of losing oneself builds.
Both overt and covert abusers are anywhere from triggered to annoyed to disgusted with crying. It is a projection of their significant detachment from their own vulnerability. Without vulnerability, it's difficult to connect past dopamine. This is a factor in these folks having dopamine-seeking tendencies.
GASLIGHTING IS ABUSE and it is meant to make someone feel crazy, confused, and ashamed. (Remember, those that refer to themselves as 'codependent' often wrap their gaslighting in sugar.) Here are common phrases used to break a victim down:
- you're just being sensitive / dramatic
- you're over-thinking
- you're lucky I deal with you (no one else would)
- you're having a tantrum
- I'm sorry you feel that way
- if you had asked the right question, I would have told you the truth
- I didn't say that; you're making things up in your head; you're putting words in my mouth
- if you hadn't done "x," I wouldn't have needed to do "y"
- it takes two to tango
- you're crazy
- you're wearing that
- just focus on the positive
- your family/friends don't like you
- stop dwelling on the past
- the kids this, the kids that, the kids x,y,z...
* Breaking down a specific example of gaslighting:
Nagging
First, nagging (relentless fault-finding) absolutely exists. It can look like continuously urging a young adult to choose a certain college or to get married. In true nagging, once the objective has been obtained, a new objective immediately enters: "what are you going to study/major in?" "what will be your career?" Or "when are you having children?" "when are you giving them a sibling?" Folks who nag have a difficult time living in the present, relaxing, and experiencing gratitude. They tend to have a 'grass is greener' mentality, having the ability to find fault in perfection. If they can't find something to fix or improve, they'll notice the dust on top of a ceiling fan. However, when this happens, the recipients rarely use the word, "nag," to describe what's happening. (Instead, they would generally use the word, "critical," or simply describe their experience: "I never feel good enough.")
Instead...
Those who use 'nag' are typically using it as a form of gaslighting. These folks are unwilling or incapable of meeting their partner's reasonable relational needs. If "the nagger" has self-respect, they will repeat their request to have the unmet need met (often offering to work together). Instead of self-reflecting, sharing personal struggles (to be able to work as a team), then growing and gaining relational responsibility ... calling someone a nag is easier. It is projection: "Because I'm not willing or competent to show up more, I need to make it seem like you're too much." This hinders relational maturing, leading to repeated "nagging" partners.
Going back to the example of the stonewalling athlete, imagine a teammate asked the player to catch the ball... to get back in the game, and the player's response was, "stop being such a nag."
Nagging
First, nagging (relentless fault-finding) absolutely exists. It can look like continuously urging a young adult to choose a certain college or to get married. In true nagging, once the objective has been obtained, a new objective immediately enters: "what are you going to study/major in?" "what will be your career?" Or "when are you having children?" "when are you giving them a sibling?" Folks who nag have a difficult time living in the present, relaxing, and experiencing gratitude. They tend to have a 'grass is greener' mentality, having the ability to find fault in perfection. If they can't find something to fix or improve, they'll notice the dust on top of a ceiling fan. However, when this happens, the recipients rarely use the word, "nag," to describe what's happening. (Instead, they would generally use the word, "critical," or simply describe their experience: "I never feel good enough.")
Instead...
Those who use 'nag' are typically using it as a form of gaslighting. These folks are unwilling or incapable of meeting their partner's reasonable relational needs. If "the nagger" has self-respect, they will repeat their request to have the unmet need met (often offering to work together). Instead of self-reflecting, sharing personal struggles (to be able to work as a team), then growing and gaining relational responsibility ... calling someone a nag is easier. It is projection: "Because I'm not willing or competent to show up more, I need to make it seem like you're too much." This hinders relational maturing, leading to repeated "nagging" partners.
Going back to the example of the stonewalling athlete, imagine a teammate asked the player to catch the ball... to get back in the game, and the player's response was, "stop being such a nag."
3 things needed for abuse to be able to continue:
- Gaslighting
- Lack Support System
- Fear
Or, the victim would leave.
If a stranger walked up to you, shook your hand, and said, "I plan on manipulating you, conditioning you by being hot and cold, exploiting you for my gain, and will use whatever abusive tactics necessary to control you,"... you'd walk away. That's why abusers love-bomb first.
Love-bombing is figuring out what will make someone feel good, safe, loved, maybe even euphoric... and providing that with the AGENDA to get the target attached, and quickly. (This is a form of grooming.) It is healthy to try to learn what makes a potential partner feel safe and loved. However, a manipulator does this for their own gain, and a secure person is doing this for the gain of a potential relationship. Similar to actual love, love-bombing also produces a release of dopamine and oxytocin, which aid in developing attachments. (See trauma-bond below.)
Love-bombing continues until the abuser feels they have a strong enough source of control; this is when the mask comes off. It often happens THE DAY the source of control happens: the day a lease is signed, wedding day, day of pregnancy announcement, the day of a financial burden (lost job), etc. …
The mask is a personality one wears to fool others into thinking they are someone else. It is used to gain a good reputation, image, trust from others, and therefore, power over others. It is a false personality. Sometimes it falls off accidentally ('mask slip'), briefly showing the true self.
But, how do abusers keep folks hooked without love-bombing indefinitely? Wouldn't people leave if they are only treated poorly? Yes! That is why abusers switch gears, giving it in lower doses called, 'breadcrumbing.' Breadcrumbing is giving the victim small doses of kindness or attention to keep them hooked. This is an ingredient in a trauma bond. One example of breadcrumbing is called, 'future faking.' This is when promises of the future are made with full knowledge there is no intention to follow-through.
'Poison drip' is the opposite of breadcrumbs. The crumbs keep the victim around, but so does the poison (devaluation). Devaluation keeps the abuser in control; they need the victim to be too exhausted (and fearful) to leave. This push-pull dynamic of feeding a mix of 'bread-crumbs' and 'poison' is a form of conditioning.
Love-bombing is figuring out what will make someone feel good, safe, loved, maybe even euphoric... and providing that with the AGENDA to get the target attached, and quickly. (This is a form of grooming.) It is healthy to try to learn what makes a potential partner feel safe and loved. However, a manipulator does this for their own gain, and a secure person is doing this for the gain of a potential relationship. Similar to actual love, love-bombing also produces a release of dopamine and oxytocin, which aid in developing attachments. (See trauma-bond below.)
Love-bombing continues until the abuser feels they have a strong enough source of control; this is when the mask comes off. It often happens THE DAY the source of control happens: the day a lease is signed, wedding day, day of pregnancy announcement, the day of a financial burden (lost job), etc. …
The mask is a personality one wears to fool others into thinking they are someone else. It is used to gain a good reputation, image, trust from others, and therefore, power over others. It is a false personality. Sometimes it falls off accidentally ('mask slip'), briefly showing the true self.
But, how do abusers keep folks hooked without love-bombing indefinitely? Wouldn't people leave if they are only treated poorly? Yes! That is why abusers switch gears, giving it in lower doses called, 'breadcrumbing.' Breadcrumbing is giving the victim small doses of kindness or attention to keep them hooked. This is an ingredient in a trauma bond. One example of breadcrumbing is called, 'future faking.' This is when promises of the future are made with full knowledge there is no intention to follow-through.
'Poison drip' is the opposite of breadcrumbs. The crumbs keep the victim around, but so does the poison (devaluation). Devaluation keeps the abuser in control; they need the victim to be too exhausted (and fearful) to leave. This push-pull dynamic of feeding a mix of 'bread-crumbs' and 'poison' is a form of conditioning.
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NARCISSISTIC ABUSE CYCLE
*In a REVERSE DISCARD, the abuser amps up the mistreatment (including neglect, avoidance, and abandonment) forcing the victim to leave them. This is done so the abuser can appear to be the victim, preserving the 'perfect person' image. |
Bonds are chemical; this is a factor in break-ups being so painful. (Some personalities are not bonding, but seeking pleasure, extrinsic approval, and control, and don't experience this heartache or grief.) A trauma-bond is also a chemical bond... mixed with abuse. The intermittent reinforcement of a trauma bond can often lead to a depletion of serotonin, causing feelings of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. Similar to the addictive quality of a slot machine, a trauma-bond creates the subconscious need for more breadcrumbs (dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin) while making the poison drip (cortisol, adrenaline) seem tolerable. This is a biology roller-coaster, not a weakness.
We are socially wired creatures who thrive in connection. In healthy love, oxytocin and dopamine release lasts for roughly 12-18 months so humans can properly bond. There is nothing shameful about wanting or expecting love from your partner. Abusers create a deficit to then blame and shame the victim for being, "too needy." This is code for: "I can't and won't fulfill your relational needs so I will gaslight and guilt you for having needs instead." * These personalities project their own symptoms out.
Folks on this spectrum exploit others for external:
NOTE: This list is good to seek and request in a partner. In interdependent relationships, each partner has a foundation of these concepts within themselves individually and will turn to their partner, getting relational needs met. In codependent-ships, the partners use the relationship to become "whole" individuals.
We are socially wired creatures who thrive in connection. In healthy love, oxytocin and dopamine release lasts for roughly 12-18 months so humans can properly bond. There is nothing shameful about wanting or expecting love from your partner. Abusers create a deficit to then blame and shame the victim for being, "too needy." This is code for: "I can't and won't fulfill your relational needs so I will gaslight and guilt you for having needs instead." * These personalities project their own symptoms out.
Folks on this spectrum exploit others for external:
- safety
- system-regulation
- self-esteem
- self-worth
- stimulation
- sex
NOTE: This list is good to seek and request in a partner. In interdependent relationships, each partner has a foundation of these concepts within themselves individually and will turn to their partner, getting relational needs met. In codependent-ships, the partners use the relationship to become "whole" individuals.
A direct symptom of emotional and psychological abuse is extreme exhaustion. A narcissist does NOT target someone they think is, "needy." There's a level of clinical selfishness that would not allow that. They seek folks who have a sense of self and are stable, mature, motivated, and unique in some way (i.e. attractive, fit, well-educated, prestigious, socially connected, wealthy, etc.). Narcissists seek folks who will enhance their image. However, they simultaneously feel insecure, jealous, intimidated, contemptuous, oppositional, and in competition around this amazing partner. For this reason, they one-up / belittle their partner, resenting the very traits they sought out and need. After breaking their partner down, they often turn around and rage complain that their partner isn't doing enough (true nagging). They want that idealized partner back.
It is similar to a parasite: A parasite needs a host to live off of while it is simultaneously killing the host keeping it alive. This parasite then blames and punishes their host for dying.
It is similar to a parasite: A parasite needs a host to live off of while it is simultaneously killing the host keeping it alive. This parasite then blames and punishes their host for dying.
"A direct symptom... is extreme exhaustion."
Abuse, particularly push-pull abuse, causes brain damage. This is seen, felt, and experienced as stress.
The primary stress hormone is called cortisol; high cortisol levels create symptoms of anxiety, depression, and irritability. It also triggers physical pains due to inflammation (fibromyalgia, back-pain, headaches and migraines, skin rashes, arthritis, weight fluctuation, IBS... to name a few). Since abuse is incredibly, chronically stressful, a SIGNIFICANT amount of cortisol is released. These high cortisol levels cause atrophy in the hippocampus (shrinkage). This part of the brain is in charge of short-term memory and is critical for decision-making. *This is why abuse victims experience brain fog, dissociation, brain-zaps, and short-term memory loss as well as difficulty with focus, concentration, and making choices. (The abuser will exploit these symptoms of their own abuse and utilize it to support the smear campaign of their victim.)
This increase in cortisol also causes hypertrophy in the amygdala (swelling), contributing to PTSD flashbacks. The amygdala is in charge of understanding and regulating more primal emotions: Aggression, Fear, Shame, Lust, Grief. An over-stressed amygdala activates the fight-or-flight response to help humans respond to threats of injury or death. Another stress hormone that is secreted during abuse is adrenaline, contributing to increased heart rate, blood-circulation, breathing, and carbohydrate metabolism. In summary, your body is getting ready for battle (or to run away from the tiger).
Since this type of abuse is chronic, the amygdala is chronically swollen, and therefore, hyperactive. The victim is living in survival mode now (a mirror reflection of the abuser perpetually living in their past). The victim will experience significantly increased fear which presents as anxiety, hypervigilance, insomnia, and an easily triggered startle response. (This all unfortunately reinforces the tried-and-true, "my partner is just really sensitive/unstable," smear campaign.)
*Depending on the circumstances, the brain has the ability to eventually heal itself due to neuroplasticity. It is important to have healthy assistance, such as therapy, while going through this healing process. Imagine it like a broken bone. Bones also heal themselves... in the shape they were broken.
The primary stress hormone is called cortisol; high cortisol levels create symptoms of anxiety, depression, and irritability. It also triggers physical pains due to inflammation (fibromyalgia, back-pain, headaches and migraines, skin rashes, arthritis, weight fluctuation, IBS... to name a few). Since abuse is incredibly, chronically stressful, a SIGNIFICANT amount of cortisol is released. These high cortisol levels cause atrophy in the hippocampus (shrinkage). This part of the brain is in charge of short-term memory and is critical for decision-making. *This is why abuse victims experience brain fog, dissociation, brain-zaps, and short-term memory loss as well as difficulty with focus, concentration, and making choices. (The abuser will exploit these symptoms of their own abuse and utilize it to support the smear campaign of their victim.)
This increase in cortisol also causes hypertrophy in the amygdala (swelling), contributing to PTSD flashbacks. The amygdala is in charge of understanding and regulating more primal emotions: Aggression, Fear, Shame, Lust, Grief. An over-stressed amygdala activates the fight-or-flight response to help humans respond to threats of injury or death. Another stress hormone that is secreted during abuse is adrenaline, contributing to increased heart rate, blood-circulation, breathing, and carbohydrate metabolism. In summary, your body is getting ready for battle (or to run away from the tiger).
Since this type of abuse is chronic, the amygdala is chronically swollen, and therefore, hyperactive. The victim is living in survival mode now (a mirror reflection of the abuser perpetually living in their past). The victim will experience significantly increased fear which presents as anxiety, hypervigilance, insomnia, and an easily triggered startle response. (This all unfortunately reinforces the tried-and-true, "my partner is just really sensitive/unstable," smear campaign.)
*Depending on the circumstances, the brain has the ability to eventually heal itself due to neuroplasticity. It is important to have healthy assistance, such as therapy, while going through this healing process. Imagine it like a broken bone. Bones also heal themselves... in the shape they were broken.
Exploitation and Disempowerment are Key Aspects in Cluster B Abuse.
Narcissistic folks look for a parent in a partner (as well as in their child, see the "scapegoat" tab in the services section for more information). IF a person enjoys parenting their partner, as some personalities do, then this is a good, co-dependent, match (just not for the children). For those who want a partnership with their partner, this will feel very off.
*It is when someone is on the other end of the Cluster B spectrum that they would seek someone who is in a vulnerable, unstable place. These folks do want their partner to need them; it soothes their fears of abandonment. They prefer to parent their partner; it offers a sense of control, and therefore, safety. These folks can present as a "fixing hero," but are actually engaging in similar push-pull tactics. Sometimes, the charismatic fixer is actually the predator. The partner will not feel empowered in this type of relationship despite the manipulator appearing to be SO supportive.
*It is when someone is on the other end of the Cluster B spectrum that they would seek someone who is in a vulnerable, unstable place. These folks do want their partner to need them; it soothes their fears of abandonment. They prefer to parent their partner; it offers a sense of control, and therefore, safety. These folks can present as a "fixing hero," but are actually engaging in similar push-pull tactics. Sometimes, the charismatic fixer is actually the predator. The partner will not feel empowered in this type of relationship despite the manipulator appearing to be SO supportive.
UNFORTUNATELY - if an outsider points out the maltreatment; the victim still has memories of the love-bombing phase. This creates, and is intended to create, cognitive dissonance.
Cognitive dissonance is a phenomenon that occurs when the brain is hit with polarizing feedback from the same person. (This represents the black & white, disintegrated parts in the abuser.) It creates such an uncomfortable confusion, the victim often doesn't understand their own inner conflict. What is happening is that the victim loves their abuser. It is a contradictory experience within the victim. The behavior (staying with abuser) contradicts the cognition (this person hurts me). Unfortunately, this very contradiction adds shame and decreases the chances the victim will reach out for help to be able to leave.
Whether you're out of the partnership, still in the partnership, or unsure if the partnership is even abusive... let's talk. I will bring truth into the room with compassion and tenderness so that you are able to make conscious choices.
Cognitive dissonance is a phenomenon that occurs when the brain is hit with polarizing feedback from the same person. (This represents the black & white, disintegrated parts in the abuser.) It creates such an uncomfortable confusion, the victim often doesn't understand their own inner conflict. What is happening is that the victim loves their abuser. It is a contradictory experience within the victim. The behavior (staying with abuser) contradicts the cognition (this person hurts me). Unfortunately, this very contradiction adds shame and decreases the chances the victim will reach out for help to be able to leave.
Whether you're out of the partnership, still in the partnership, or unsure if the partnership is even abusive... let's talk. I will bring truth into the room with compassion and tenderness so that you are able to make conscious choices.
THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT ME AS YOUR THERAPIST
1) I DO NOT believe in "tough love." I believe that is a trait of covert narcissism. I will not ask or say any of the typical, dismissive, victim-blaming questions or statements:
- why did you stay so long
- because you were confused, scared, and/or trauma-bonded with diminished brain functioning (gaslit/conditioned)
- you have the ability to love and forgive (strengths are being exploited)
- because you were confused, scared, and/or trauma-bonded with diminished brain functioning (gaslit/conditioned)
- why haven't you left yet
- because it is often too dangerous, making things worse than they already are
- because the people around you have been manipulated by the smear campaign and no longer look at you or speak to you in the way that you really are
- because you don't have the support system needed to break free
- because this type of abuse creates a chemical response similar to a gambling addiction
- you're acting like a victim
- no, the abuser acts like a victim, you are a victim
- typically this very feedback encourages true victims to ignore their gut instincts and red flags
- you were seeking validation
- see below
IMPORTANT:
Validation is a healthy, key component, in a mature, secure relationship.
I certainly hope you expected validation in your relationship!
Validation is a healthy, key component, in a mature, secure relationship.
I certainly hope you expected validation in your relationship!
This word (amongst others) is often misused by those on the Cluster B Spectrum (and tiktok). These folks do not want to give or receive validation because validation reflects back the TRUTH of the present moment. Validation allows emotions to be seen, felt, processed, and then released (which is why emotionally strong and healthy folks expect validation). However, those on the Cluster B Spectrum do NOT want to feel their emotions; they view emotions as childish, weak, pathetic, problems to fix (rooted in their own fear and dysregulation). This is a direct reason they experience low distress tolerance and low emotional regulation: emotional avoidance perpetuates fragility. It is like going to the gym and avoiding lifting weights, yet still believing one is the strongest in the room. (Delusion)
To validate someone is to humanize them, and this is NOT what these folks want. They want to be better-than others (even if it means being the best victim).
Validation comes from a place of security, regulation, empathy, empowerment, and compassion; sources of healing. Validation can come in the form of space (silent understanding), words, non-verbal expressions, and/or questions and support that reflect the individual's experience, rather than opposes, dismisses, or "fixes" it.
Invalidation typically comes in the forms of rationalization, intellectualization, minimization, or projection. Rationalizing, analyzing, and intellectualizing derive from low self-worth (enablers) while minimizing and projecting come from low sense of self (i.e. lack of self-awareness and self-esteem).
*Or, the invalidation is coming from a place of intentional sadism.
To validate someone is to humanize them, and this is NOT what these folks want. They want to be better-than others (even if it means being the best victim).
Validation comes from a place of security, regulation, empathy, empowerment, and compassion; sources of healing. Validation can come in the form of space (silent understanding), words, non-verbal expressions, and/or questions and support that reflect the individual's experience, rather than opposes, dismisses, or "fixes" it.
Invalidation typically comes in the forms of rationalization, intellectualization, minimization, or projection. Rationalizing, analyzing, and intellectualizing derive from low self-worth (enablers) while minimizing and projecting come from low sense of self (i.e. lack of self-awareness and self-esteem).
*Or, the invalidation is coming from a place of intentional sadism.
SELF-VALIDATION IS A FORM OF SELF-SOOTHING (INDEPENDENT HEALTH).
VALIDATING YOUR PARTNER IS A SOURCE OF CO-REGULATION (INTERDEPENDENT HEALTH).
VALIDATING YOUR PARTNER IS A SOURCE OF CO-REGULATION (INTERDEPENDENT HEALTH).
*Emotionally immature folks mix up validation with: adulation, attention (physical & sexual), reassurance, agreement, fixing, parroting, taking sides, enmeshment (feeling the source's feelings for them), and/or PITY. These are forms of supply (trauma responses to emotions), whereas validation is a source of connection (empowered responses to emotions).
*Validating parents create children who grow to expect to be seen, heard, and cared-for in their adult relationships, quickly moving on from invalidating relationships in which they are not seen, heard, or cared-for.
*Validating parents create children who grow to expect to be seen, heard, and cared-for in their adult relationships, quickly moving on from invalidating relationships in which they are not seen, heard, or cared-for.
2) I DO NOT believe that only men abuse. I am not personally triggered by hearing the truth about abusive women simply because I am a woman.
3) I HAVE SEEN the word, "codependency," used as a mask to hide more accurate diagnoses. Sometimes, the one who is saying they are "codependent," is the one who is abusing.
4) THE MENTAL HEALTH field is saturated with a spectrum of Cluster B personalities. I will not take your truth about an abusive partner, who is also a mental health provider, personally simply because I am a mental health provider. Abusers exist everywhere; I won't give them excuses.
Common excuse: "Therapists are human, too."
My response: "Correct. We aren't pineapples or elephants; we are, indeed, humans. Ted Bundy was a human."
5) I DO NOT rationalize away harm. Everyone has a past and everyone has experienced pain. This will not be used as a justification for the way you're being treated.
6) SETTING BOUNDARIES ONLY "works" if the other person respects boundaries. Abusers see boundaries as giant red buttons to sadistically push or as a personal rejection to challenge. When someone doesn't respect your boundary, you need to respect your boundary. We will process what this follow-through means and what it looks like.
3) I HAVE SEEN the word, "codependency," used as a mask to hide more accurate diagnoses. Sometimes, the one who is saying they are "codependent," is the one who is abusing.
4) THE MENTAL HEALTH field is saturated with a spectrum of Cluster B personalities. I will not take your truth about an abusive partner, who is also a mental health provider, personally simply because I am a mental health provider. Abusers exist everywhere; I won't give them excuses.
Common excuse: "Therapists are human, too."
My response: "Correct. We aren't pineapples or elephants; we are, indeed, humans. Ted Bundy was a human."
5) I DO NOT rationalize away harm. Everyone has a past and everyone has experienced pain. This will not be used as a justification for the way you're being treated.
6) SETTING BOUNDARIES ONLY "works" if the other person respects boundaries. Abusers see boundaries as giant red buttons to sadistically push or as a personal rejection to challenge. When someone doesn't respect your boundary, you need to respect your boundary. We will process what this follow-through means and what it looks like.
You will receive truth and validation from me, but without pressure or judgement to take action when something comes to light. If you are trauma-bonded, we will go over what this withdrawal might feel like and how to move through it with care. I'm here to support you.
Your inner guide will lead you in the right direction once it has the chance to come out safely again. When worth is finally accurately reflected back, it becomes increasingly difficult to live a life outside of that reflected worth.
I have faith in you and your process.
Your inner guide will lead you in the right direction once it has the chance to come out safely again. When worth is finally accurately reflected back, it becomes increasingly difficult to live a life outside of that reflected worth.
I have faith in you and your process.
With care,
Christine